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Shame as a defense mechanisim by Joseph Burgo PHD

In earlier posts, I've discussed a kind of basic or core shame that results from failures of attachment during the first two years of life; today I'd like to describe the three core defenses against such shame:  narcissistic flight, blaming/indignant rage and contempt. Denial of internal damage and a sense of inner "ugliness" lies at the heart of all three defenses.

Narcissism is the primary defense against shame and often goes hand-in-hand with the other two defenses. When people suffer from an unbearable sense of shame, they often seek to elicit admiration from the outside, as if to deny the internal damage. Beautiful outside versus ugly inside. We've all known such narcissistic types.  As friends or acquaintances, they tax our patience and drain us emotionally because of their constant need to draw attention to themselves; their narcissistic behavior makes social interactions dull and one-sided.  Recognizing that these people suffer from unbearable shame may help us to feel some compassion but it doesn't make the relationships any more satisfying.

The shame-driven client poses a major therapeutic challenge. If the therapist tries to discuss narcissistic behavior as a defense, to go beneath the "beautiful" outside and get closer to the "ugly" inside, it can easily feel to the client like a narcissistic injury, unbearably painful; rather than feeling that the therapist wants to help them get closer to something true but unrecognized, such clients often feel humiliated. I discussed such a client on After Psychotherapy in my post about Avatar and toxic shame. As David and I got closer to the core of shame in our work together, whenever I tried to put this client in touch with the damaged David hiding behind his narcissistic Internet encounters, he'd often begin to scream, accusing me of purposefully humiliating him. It felt to me as if the shame were so excrutiating that he had to "scream it out," to rid himself of that searing pain and project it into me. As his therapist, I found the experience deeply painful but at the same time, it helped me understand the degree of his suffering, the intense pain he was constantly warding off.

In this interaction between David and me, we also see the second defense against narcissism at work: blaming.  The pairing of shame and blame, or indignant rage, in my experience is extremely common. One of my clients Denise relied heavily on this defense, especially in relation to her husband Eric. Often following one of their fights (usually occasioned by some hostile and provocative behavior on her part), Denise would spend hours reviewing the argument in a highly accusatory way, going over all of Erik's faults and progressing to total character assassination. Underneath, she felt ashamed and guiltyabout the "crazy" way she instigated these fights. In our sessions together, we covered this territory so thoroughly that I developed a shorthand means of pointing it out. I'd sigh in an exaggerated and aggrieved way and say, as if from her point of view, "That Eric!"

Contempt represents another defensive posture, one especially difficult to penetrate. My client, Ian, a therapist-in-training himself, used to listen carefully to my interpretations and often say, "But how am I to know if what you're saying is true? Maybe you're right, maybe some other way of looking at it is just as valid." On the surface, these remarks appeared neutral; underneath, they betrayed his complete contempt for me. He had a habit of responding to things I said with his own interpretation, delivered in a condescending tone with an almost imperceptible smirk. I often appeared in his dreams in some degraded way -- in tatters, homeless or disfigured. Ian projected his damaged self into me and treated it with superiority and contempt.

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David and Denise worked through their defenses and moved closer to shame in our sessions together; Ian dropped out of treatment and went through a series of disappointing and indequate therapists after that.

One way to get closer to your own shame is to examine those experiences that fill you with contempt (if that's an emotion you often feel). Contempt may indicate that someone or something has violated our core values and sense of morality but it may also betray a defense at work. I've known clients and friends who regarded their families of origin with contempt because it kept them at an emotional distance; to feel otherwise, to get closer to the damage they shared with their parents and siblings felt too painful.

Are you a blamer? Reviewing a recent argument with your significant other, especially if you feel indignant and self-righteous, would be a good place to start your investigation. Like Denise, you might find that something about your own behavior in that fight makes you feel ashamed.

One can be an everyday narcissist without blatently bragging or putting oneself on display. Here's one way I notice it in myself: I will mention, as if in passing, something that somebody else said about me, almost casually, as if to say, "Isn't that interesting?" The lesson here is that core defenses don't go away just because you learn more about yourself; those defenses just become subtler and more sophisticated!

Shame and Denial by Dr Lynne Namka

Quick! Think of the most embarrassing experience of your life. Or a time when you were drastically humiliated and ridiculed by someone. How do you feel remembering these events? Could you call forth the feelings or did you numb out quickly? Did you feel anguish looking back or could you toss the event off with laughter? The amount of emotional pain that you felt is related to stuck energy around old feelings of shame. Talk about an unsolved mystery! How does this emotion of shame get such a hold on you? 
Shame is a fear-based internal state being, accompanied by beliefs of being unworthy and basically unlovable. Shame is a primary emotion that conjures up brief, intense painful feelings and a fundamental sense of inadequacy. Shame experiences bring forth beliefs of "I am a failure" and "I am bad" which are a threat to the integrity of the self. This perceived deficit of being bad is so humiliating and disgraceful that there is a need to protect and hide the flawed self from others. Fears of being vulnerable, found out, exposed and further humiliated are paramount. Feelings of shame shut people down so that they can distance from the internal painful state of hopelessness. 
Shame is a result of early developmental loss either real or perceived. It may begin in parent-infant conflict where there is possible significant loss or threat of loss of the child's basic security. The child longs for closeness with the mother and father. If there is rejection or love withdrawal from the parent, the child is left with intense, painful emotions. On some level, the beliefs of "I am unlovable" develops and a core of shame starts to build. Anna Freud described these experiences as happening before the child develops language and therefore are not remembered. These feelings of not being loved cause the child to rage and/or go into silent withdrawal. Experiences that cause shame alter the child's basic trust of others and are at the heart of dysfunctional behavior. 

Shame and Guilt Children often feel guilty as well as ashamed. Guilt is an emotion that rises after a transgression of one's own or cultural values. Guilt is about actions; shame is about the self. The purpose of guilt is to stop behavior that violates a self, family or societal standard. Guilt keeps score on excesses or deficits of behavior deemed undesirable and is expressed in regret and remorse. Guilt can be tied to perfectionism and setting goals either too high or too low. Engaging in behavior that causes one to feel guilty can lead to deep shame. 
The typical shame response is a heightened degree of arousal and self consciousness. The person in emotional pain averts his eyes and his head goes down. New information is blocked. There is intense discomfort and muscular tension. The body collapses inward to protect the self and there is a shrinking of body energy. The skin may become flushed with embarrassment. There are feelings of inadequacy and the fear of self exposure. The person wants to shrink, hide or even die to get away from the painful feelings of mortification. These feelings are so excruciating that the child wants to avoid them at all costs. 

Causes of Shame Adult-induced causes of shame involve betrayal by others and a broken trust through disapproval or humiliation. Parental withdrawal and rejection shown by looks of contempt cause instantaneous shame reactions in children. A child who believes that his parents favor a sibling often believe that there is something basically wrong with him or he would be the chosen child. Shame also occurs when the parents have high standards of behavior and react with anger or embarrassment when the child does not live up to expectations. Punishment for failure and humiliation over the child's expression of vulnerability, distress, crying or pain typically create shame. Criticism, cruel teasing and ridicule further reinforce the child's beliefs of unworthiness. Harsh parental discipline of a coercive nature create fears of abandonment in the child. The trauma of physical abuse imprints feelings of being devalued in the child. Empathetic shame happens when the child internalizes humiliation and shame reactions of other people. Sexual abuse typically causes the child to feel dirty and bad and he often absorbs the shame of the adult who committed the offense. 
Other types of shame are self induced around events of morally inappropriate behavior and public exposure. It is not what happened to the person but how it is interpreted by the self and others that makes the difference. Excesses of worry about what others may think of him add to the discomfort and the wish to hide. This category of fear of self exposure includes: 

• Sexual feelings and actions. 
• Impulsive aggressive behavior that is against public standards. 
• Issues around bathroom functions, body odors and cleanliness. 
• Failure of a task or doing poorly when performing before an audience. 
• Humiliation and ridicule by peers. 
• Class, social status or racial inequality--being looked down upon by others. 
• Being different or one's parents being different from others--clothes, body size, or physical differences. 
• Doing something or saying something that might hurt another person's feelings. 

Shame Equals the Global Inner Belief of "I Am Bad."  Energy has to go somewhere. Negative feelings and thoughts are energy. If the powerful feelings are not discharged, they are stored in the body. They may be denied and forgotten, but they remain as a negative force and the person goes through life with a nagging belief of not measuring up. When there are many unresolved experiences of shame in a child's life, the self evaluation becomes global. The child has a core belief of "All of me is bad." The child with a large amount of shame who makes a mistake does not make a specific attribution regarding an event such as "I did this. It was wrong and I can correct it" but goes automatically to feelings of unworthiness. The child then substitutes another emotion or numbs himself to avoid feeling the shame further stamping in the belief of being inadequate and helpless. 
Scheff's theory is that shame causes a breakdown of the integrated self. The bypassed, unacknowledged pain is not available to be looked at due to the mechanism of denial. Dissociation and repression of the bad feelings allow distance from the shame with a cover up of "I am not this needy. This is not me. I cannot feel this vulnerable." Tension is discharged partially through substitute emotions but the core of shame grows even bigger as the individual engages in unhealthy behavior. 

Shame-Driven Behavior "Shame is the shaper of symptoms," said Donald Nathanson. The unacknowledged thoughts and feelings become repressed and surface later through substitute emotions and dysfunctional behavior. Other emotions are substituted to hide the shame and maintain self esteem. Anger, depression, exaggerated pride, anxiety and helplessness are substituted to keep from feeling the total blackness of being bad. The buried shame is expressed through defense mechanisms that shield negative unconscious material from surfacing. 
Anger responses are modeled and learned in some families. The anger response is more comfortable than feeling the shame for some individuals. Families where coercive and humiliating methods of discipline are used develop children who are shame prone. Behavior become driven by defenses that function to keep from feeling bad. Reality becomes distorted to further protect the self from poor self esteem. The transfer of blame to someone else is an indicator of internal shame. 
Children who live with constant hostility and criticism learn to defend against the bad feelings inside and externalize blame on others. External assignment of blame is a defense against shame. People who are super critical have a heavy shame core inside. The focus is on finding fault outside yourself but the mistake is never corrected. If the responsibility for blame can be fixed on someone else, the person may feel pride in getting off scot-free. The rigid thinking is I'll be pure if I can make him wrong. It is not my problem. It is beyond my control. I just can't allow myself to feel bad inside, so I'll blame him." 
The child who has been raised with criticism and parental anger may develop the shame/rage spiral. The shame/rage spiral consists of getting angry and raging when upset, then being ashamed and going into rage to avoid the shameful feelings, etc. The shame/rage spiral keeps others away and helps the person avoid intimacy where more pain and shame might be experienced. 

Shame and the Fear of Being Found Out The shame-prone individual's biggest fear is for others to find out how bad he really feels inside. There is denial of vulnerability, avoidance of negative feelings that are perceived as weak and an inability to be real. Macho behavior in men has a deep shame core at its base. Men who are frightened of feelings learn to wall others away through withdrawing, numbing their feelings and intellectualizing. Other shame-driven behaviors are acting out, depression, anxiety and compulsive behavior. Some people are self deprecating and use submissive behavior to avoid the shaming behaviors of others. Others turn to addictive substances and activities to numb the emotional pain inside. The dissociation disorders are based in shame with distortion of reality and developing separate parts of the personality to hide from the shame. 
Exaggerated pride allows the person to build up feelings of superiority again for the purpose of denying the global negative internal beliefs of "I am bad." The narcissistic individual reduces his own shame by feeling better than others; he elevates his status by putting others down. Prejudice, bigotry, revenge and grudges towards others are mechanisms that keep the self from knowing and experiencing the shame. Individuals who engage in antisocial behavior have a great capacity for shame and denial. Young people who resort to violence and membership in gangs use feeling superior to avoid feeling bad about themselves. Sadly, gang members describe feeling respected by their peers for the first time in their life. 

Shame Busting
Acknowledging and Releasing the Belief of I Am Bad  The denial of shame and dysfunctional behavior acts to prevent shame from surfacing by separating the self from the negative feelings. Shame removal can be accomplished by reconnecting with the original feeling of shame and learning to accept one's self, warts and all. The affect must be expressed and internal awareness gained. The child must feel very secure with an adult for him to let his guard down and become less defended and rigid. This can best be done with a loving, caring individual who accepts the child as he is so that the broken trust can be regained. 
In this process the person becomes an observer of his own shame, accepts it and takes mastery over it. 

• Bring the shame to a conscious level by recognizing where it is located in the body. 
• Feel the feelings. Describe the hurt, sadness, revenge and embarrassment to break into numbed feelings. Own the previously hidden feelings. 
• Give the feelings verbal labels. 
• Describe the original experience that caused the shame. 
• Discuss the negative energy of the person who caused the humiliation or rejection, etc. Explore this person's reasons for cruelty as related to his own shame. 
• Determine if any of the other person's shame was internalized. Help the child to understand that it is not their shame but someone else. Ask him to release it by visualizing throwing away the other person's shame. 
• Ask for the global belief (I am unworthy/bad/ unlovable.) that defines the secret self. 
• Make specific attributions (I did something wrong based on my limited understanding at the time.) 
• Find which negative emotions are substituted to keep from feeling bad. 
• Find the poor coping behaviors used to keep the global belief away. 
• Discuss the public exposure of failure. Admitting one's faults reduces anxiety. Confession of "one's discretions" in an atmosphere of safety reduces shame. 
• Use laughter and pleasant emotions to reduce the tension. The research shows that individuals have less hostility if an irrelevant, pleasant experience happens at the same time when recalling a traumatic event. Terrifying situations may be defused more easily with humor. Laughter is an indicator of good self esteem--that you feel good enough to laugh about the unpleasant situation. 
• Make a metaphor of the shame giving it color, form, shape or an image. 
• Using visualization of the metaphor, ask the client to start to move the shame energy around. Have the child imagine dissipating and releasing the shame. 
• Ask for a new global belief to replace the "I am bad." 
• Ask the child how he will be different in the future with this new belief. Ask him to imagine seeing himself acting differently in a situation of threat. 

The cleaning out of the global "I am bad" belief takes time and much exploration. This exercise may need to be repeated many times depending upon the number of incidences in the person's life. 
Kids are resilient. Don't give up on them. Help them learn to break the cycle of shame prevalent in their lives. Decision making is where it's at. Help children gain a sense of self competency by learning new skills to make good decisions. This approach when combined with learning to speak out for one's self and say no when appropriate along with sharing feelings and stating boundaries gives children tools to avoid further incidents that might be shame provoking. 
Help your children learn positive self esteem and responsibility with the help of our kits and books in our Talk, Trust and Feel Catalog. 

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Spirit Connection Webcast Archives | Doug Addison

Spirit Connection Webcast Archives | Doug Addison

PHYLISS FORD WORD FOR MAY 2016

Word of the Lord for May 2016 by Phyllis FordArlington, Texas www.phyllisfordministries.com    PhyllisFordMinistries@gmail.com

AYIN -- is the 16th letter of the Hebrew alphabet. It's numeric equivalent is 70. So as we are currently in the Hebrew year of 5776, Our sight, our ability to see into the realm of the spirit is being enhanced, so that our spiritual eyes will see way beyond what is being presented to our minds, and as a result our understanding becomes enlightened by the spirit of God working in us. Holman Christian Standard Bible translation says it this way: Ephesians 1:18-19 "I pray that the perception of your mind may be enlightened so you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the glorious riches of His inheritance among the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of His power to us who believe, according to the working of His vast strength." This year we are in our 7th year of Ayin. In October this year, the time will turn again and we will see with an even greater significance. The Head of the Year will bring us to 5777. It will open unto us an even greater awakening. We are on a course to seeing, understanding, unveiling, and even uncovering more and more of the things of God and what we have been called to, in this very hour. This is why we are seeing time literally accelerate pass us. We are moving from 6--(the number of man) to 7--(a people in God.) It is a place where we give way to what we think we are, to become who He is in us. A place where as He deals more and more with us and we will see clearer and clearer and become better prepared to walk in His purposes in the earth. So where are we in the scheme of things and what our next is stop is will become more evident on this road to life. Although it might appear to have winding roads with major prophetic sign post along the way even with twisting and turning in the distance. Know that without a shadow of a doubt that it is a deliberate path and it's course will determined by those who will stand, move forward, and not fear even in the midst of some uncertainty. They will be a people who have learned by God's grace the ways of the Lord. They will as they go make clear the path to others. A people determined to follow Him while coming to the reality that the land even a people are trying to overcome the experiences while looking for answers that only the spirit of God can provide. (The following are the things that the Lord spoke to me concerning.) It is time to get to the point that we see through His eyes and trust in what He shows us.  We must keep moving forward, praying, praising and speaking life. Forever yielding to Him in obedience to His voice. As we make necessary adjustments in our lives we will see shifts within our own circumstances as they occur around us until all that He is revealing to us is completely in place. We are in a continual faith walk and our faith and trusting Him is paramount. No matter what we see in the natural we must know; He will get us there. As this journey takes place the Love of Christ that is shed aboard in our hearts by the Holy Ghost gives us peace and will assist in balancing us out. Please note, I prayed over this next word because of what the Lord spoke to me. The Lord reaffirmed to me in dreams, visions, times of worship and praise. In that time, He began to reveal some of the things we will see in the coming days ahead. Many times people want to hear a blanket word of well-being but they don't get to hear about the fine print.  In some ways it has contributed to some of the frustration of God's people waiting to see only good results without hearing the process of how these things take place. (I am not claiming to have the answers, as I am walking in His grace. So this is not being said to condemn or judge anyone.) God's word has a way of unveiling truth until it breaks off the things we don't need in order to transform us into who we are to be. We must pray and get before the Lord and search our hearts and understand the truth as it will line up with God's word and we will know what to do as He reveals His answers to us.  The Analogy of Jacob and Israel: The Lord spoke to me about the analogy of Jacob to explain what we see on the world stage right now with the political arena, but also with key elements that pertain to the church that is looking to find its own way. (The term, finding its own way is a qualifying statement.) There is a great wrestling taking place in the land and within the people even in the church at large as to whether we will rely on the things of God or the world's influences to achieve what needs to be done.  We are at the point where Jacob must deal with himself, his family, and the problems that are going on within him. The process of encountering his brother along with inward power struggles that occurred in times past is a mirror of that which is going now. There are issues that need to come into resolve in the hearts of man while being placed at the foot of the cross. We are all at various levels of spiritual growth and maturity.  Receiving the ability to heal and move forward by taking on the Life of Jesus Christ carries with it the power to overcome and accomplish with great strides the current challenges ahead. There is a remarkable healing balm being released now to the body of Christ. The church must leave the place of wrestling by laying down weapons of religion and embrace the life and love that only Jesus Christ our savior can give us. It is in that process that we begin to walk in face of being Israel His beloved.  (Genesis 32: 24-30) We see the transformation of Jacob to Israel. When we realize these things we destroy the lies of the past, which is the duality of man, and become what we were originally intended to be. It is the peace and healing of embracing who we are in the face of Jesus Christ.  No longer the duality but one. There is great power in that understanding. John 17:21 I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one--as you are in me, Father, and I am in you. And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me. There was a powerful word of revelation and prophetic promise that I believe we can stand in today. God gave Jacob that promise, when he had the visitation of the Ladder with the angels of God ascending and descending. Genesis 28 takes us into a place a habitation in God that we can possess our land (which is our true inheritance in Him). It releases our burden of trying to fix things ourselves but also lets us know that we are responsible to hear and walk in what He has called us to be as we yield to the life and truth that is in us through Him. It is our portion and our inheritance. Genesis 28 takes on a new meaning and a profound revelation that we can know and live by. This promise and the ability to overcome has already been set in place. Genesis 28:13-17 NLT "At the top of the stairway stood the Lord, and he said, “I am the Lord, the God of your grandfather Abraham, and the God of your father, Isaac. The ground you are lying on belongs to you. I am giving it to you and your descendants. 14 Your descendants will be as numerous as the dust of the earth! They will spread out in all directions—to the west and the east, to the north and the south. And all the families of the earth will be blessed through you and your descendants. 15 What’s more, I am with you, and I will protect you wherever you go. One day I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have finished giving you everything I have promised you. 16 Then Jacob awoke from his sleep and said, “Surely the Lord is in this place, and I wasn’t even aware of it!” 17 But he was also afraid and said, “What an awesome place this is! It is none other than the house of God, the very gateway to heaven! Looking through Windows of Time: We are all under construction at various levels but the Good news of the gospel is that we don't have to stay where we are because we are in a perfecting process. (But it won't occur overnight.) Many truths’ will become more and more evident on our way to 5777, which is the feast of Rosh Hashanah. We are literally looking through windows of time and this is why we are on an accelerated course. We are in a countdown to things shifting in powerful ways good and also challenging. We will become keenly aware of the greatness that the Lord has placed within us but all the while dealing with that which needs to be eliminated. This cleansing process will continue throughout this season but the affects will bless us and bring us into greater revelation of what He has called us to do. I mentioned in previous words that the Lord spoke to me and said that we must learn how to walk in the light so that when we go into dark seasons we will know how to properly navigate. I have prayed more and more however I have not heard the Lord change what He said concerning this. Learning how to go through times of trouble and come out on the other side is the order of the day. The good news is that through Christ Jesus we are able to do these things. Our unity will help give us victory and we have been actually in an overcoming process since 2008. Spirit of Elijah and the Cyrus Anointing: Two things that are greatly encouraging is The Spirit of Elijah and the Cyrus Anointing that I see very strong and evident in this hour. The Sprit of Elijah carries a powerful apostolic, prophetic, priestly grace that will come upon His people to help others come out of the caves of issues and inner hurts with a spirit of might and counsel coupled with a strong deliverance anointing. It will touch hearts and assist in the process of healing many who have suffered abuses. It will tear down the partitions of incorrect mindsets (lies of past experiences and unresolved pain). As it frees up His people with new life. It will be the work of the Holy Spirit moving mightily in His Glory to catch those who have felt as if they have been falling through the cracks. The Cyrus Anointing will be placed upon those who the Lord has designated to be carriers of wealth vehicles. We will see financial releases as the Lord freely disperses provision between now until   Pentecost. These finances are the Lord response to prayer that will set up places to help many who will be in crisis. Help and refuge will come as the plans of previous blueprints that God gave to many in times past are implemented. A Cyrus and Joseph people will rise up to carry out projects that will prepare for trouble ahead. The Lord is saying to His people to become “Freedom” so that they help others to find their way. I had a vision of great number of people coming out of the narrow place. The Lord told me that was what I was looking at, we are coming out to bring multitudes out with us. If not, they will perish in the way. God will prepare his people to maneuver through great financial hardships and provide necessary resources right before the coming famine. An Uncovering of a Great Wickedness in the Land: There is a deeper revelation of Luke 18:7 that we will see evident in the days and months to come. There is a greater separation of light and darkness. That which is light is growing brighter and that which is darker is becoming more evident. Gray areas are fading!!! People will profess their confession of faith that have never spoken out. And that which is evil to its’ core is about to be uncovered before all. We will know the difference between those who are in darkness and those who practice darkness. But know also that God's raising up an army of believers who will not be afraid to disarm. tear down, uproot and destroyed those evil works. Lord give us eyes to see, ears to hear what the Spirit of the Lord is saying to us. There will be much unveiled and many will come to a realization of things that have been filtered through the music and movie industry for years. That which was looked upon being mere entertainment within it will be exposed. Much will be uncovered in the coming months some of it will shock many and confirm to others was has been at work under the surface. We will see an uncovering in these areas: More things within the political arena,  World terrorism (specifically ISIS).  There will be an unveiling of nations that might appear to be strange bedfellows that have been in secret agreements.  Uncovering within the church  These things are being revealed as a sign of the times where God himself will be dealing with whom He has previously warned. We will see many things during the course of these last six months. We must pray for our nations, our leadership and our divine protection under the sovereign Hand of God as we continue to become all that He is preparing in us. ©copyright 2016 by Phyllis Ford Ministries

4 Types of Narcissists Empaths Are Attracting - Expanded Consciousness

4 Types of Narcissists Empaths Are Attracting - Expanded Consciousness: by ALETHEIA LUNA What is it about narcissists that is so irresistibly attractive? Like moths drawn to flames, us empaths seem to have a penchant for flying head-first into dangerous friendships and soul-sucking relationships that leave us feeling exhausted and unhinged. And yet, over and over again many of us fall into the same trap, Read More